I admit. I have sporadic tendencies to be highly emotional -- and by "highly", I mean it swivels-180 right off the roof. No, I'd like to believe that I'm not bipolar or manic depressive or whatever psychological sickness fits my symptoms. There are just times that I can't help but feel.
And I don't like it. really. especially when we're talking about those "bad days". It gets to me every time. It usually happens when I'm alone, usually at night before I go to bed. Whether it roots from a bad day or a bad thought, it starts out really shallow until everything that's ever associated with that feeling (whether it be fear, insecurity, doubt, pains etc.) resurfaces. Before you know it, my eyes would be red-blotched and teary.
Have you ever felt that? when emotions get the best of you? when your thoughts plague you with unnecessary pain? It may be a case of habitual pre-menstrual syndrome or moments of a wandering mind -- whatever it is -- these nights mostly leave me crushed. Most of these, I realized, came from the past -- unresolved issues, resonating painful memories, unanswered questions -- slowly haunting me from time to time.
I thank God for nights like these because it is in these helpless instances that I am simply moved to surrender and pray. I realized that when you cannot control your emotions, allow God control you. It is in this deep prayer moments that I am constantly reminded by the Lord of four things:
1) Unwavering Trust
The need for unwavering trust. Trust that He is God. Trust that He can do things beyond all possibilities. Trust that He is with me and for me. Trust that I am always safe and protected in His care. Trust that my prayers are heard despite His seeming silence. Trust not only on easy times but MOST especially during the toughest of times. Trust when things seem unclear. Trust because God always goes beyond the moment and He will fulfill everything just as promised.
2) Determined Patience
With unwavering trust, comes patience. Patience takes us through the most unsure situation of our lives. I needed to have the patience to wait for God's answered prayers. Patience in myself that I needed to take my time in learning things. Patience with other people's short comings. I realized that patience moves us into the right posture in dealing with another person and the situation where we are in -- and that is acceptance.
3) Sincere Acceptance
I needed to learn to accept that things will not always go the way I want it and I do not live in my own world. I am affected by other people's actions and they are affected by mine. I needed to accept that things take time and things can fall short of our expectations. However, I also needed to accept that God is the one that controls, that He has ways of carrying out His plans for us and it might not be how we want it. I needed to accept His role as God in my life more than I trying to control things on my own. I realized that as I learn to trust, be patient, and accept -- comes the divine grace that we all need - peace.
4) Divine Peace
I say divine because it is only God that can provide it excellently with all His Grace and Love. It is the kind of peace that doesn't simply appear in a state of calm, relaxation, or "good days". Divine peace goes directly into our hearts in unbelievable volumes despite the storms of our lives. It comes from a God whose kindness can never be questioned. Divine peace further reinforces our need to trust, be patient, and accept that God is being God to us. --and all that I am left to do is be a child to Him.
Upon the constant reminder of these four things, my heart calms down and I am left with nothing but surrender. After all, God has never failed in trusting, being patient, and accepting me. These four spirit-filled gifts received in prayer calms my chaotic thoughts and confused heart, leaving me smiling and resting in His hands. I know I'm still in the process of letting go and healing from my haunting past but life goes on and God keeps my future very promising. I long for that day the past will no longer be relevant compared to the future I have at hand, and the gifts I have in the present.
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