the greatest gift is worth the deepest hardship

I was hardly prepared for a climb. My well ironed blouse, jewelry, blow-dried hair, and wedged slippers were a clear indication that "i wasn't informed".  Nevertheless,  had do it anyway - not just because everyone else was but because i wanted to see for myself if a girl like me actually could. More than proving others wrong, i wanted to prove myself wrong. I, however, didn't know what I was in for.

and hence the complaints. I foolishly mistook the climb for a brief and enjoyable walk in the park. I had an idea it might be a long walk (thus thinking long hours of window shopping) but it hardly was close to a Sunday morning stroll. 

Uneven roads. Horse poop, Very steep winding roads. 14 stations of the cross. Seriously not what i had in mind. At first, my arrogance and foreseen bragging rights were motivations for doing what I thought I never could. However, the road less traveled proved to be a very purifying one. What I thought was a round to congratulations became a road that reminded me of my own cross. 

There were around 5 times that i came close to giving up. What was so great about the top anyway? my outfit has gone bad. my chest was pounding hard.my feet were killing me. my knees were aching. my whole body was wanting to scream "Stop!". 

Except for my heart. This was something i simply had to do. My complaints quieted down to deep reflections oddly realizing how similar this was to my whole attitude in life. I just had to start believing in myself for once, the me that God created to do what He wanted me to do. These thoughts kept resonating in my head. I had no idea what will happen at the end of the climb. all i knew was this was meant for me to reach.

Crisscrossing in between thoughts of doubt and thoughts of God's motivation got my mind preoccupied. For at least 3 hours of a seemingly unending journey. this was what greeted me at my final step towards the top. 

What welcomed me was Christ. The Cross. the greatest and most concrete reminder that true love does exist for me. If i only knew this from the start, i would've ran all the way towards the top.

God can be creative at times, to teach me such a wonderful lesson in the most interesting of ways. a lesson on believing in yourself.. a lesson on moving forward.. a lesson on trusting in Him... a lesson on taking on the road less traveled.. a lesson on pain, purpose, and paradise. 

Our lives may not be  what we imagined things should be. Our goals may have not yet been reached, or prayers still left unanswered. No matter how imperfect it is, be comforted that your life is under control of the one who waits for you at your final destination. 

Turn your complaints into contemplation, and put your pains into prayer. 

because the greatest gift is worth the deepest hardship. ü 

all for the glory of the almighty ü

Give Me Your Hand

A call to simply trust and place your life in the hands of another. I never imagine how this would feel like - to go beyond the world you've known all your life. It's surreal. Half the time you're trying to get used to reality and the other half you're wondering if you will wake up from your dream in any minute.

But I have to say it, so that it will be etched on social media world forever. I am in Johanessburg, South Africa, waiting for another flight to Durban. These terms, to me, were words that I never imagined would be part of my vocabulary.

He has been offering me this ever since. A life that I cannot get in my own capacity. I've escaped, played deaf, and doubted more than I should. His invitation gave me goosebumps, complex emotions, and multitude of churning stomachs. The first instinct was always to resist. How could I accept something like this? 

But God continued to ask me out anyway. His persistence despite my overpowering feeling of unworthiness and shame -- won me over like a kid being offered a free stay in Disneyland. 

I place my hands in His, my heart in His, my life in His. I do not know what will happen next. Worries, concerns, and anxieties flood my thoughts -- until His grace pours upon me with no hesitation.

Lifeline

          I was recently reminded to finish my lifeline. It was an assignment given by my boss a year ago. I've subconsciously tried to set it aside, wanting to reserve sentimentality for the last part of vacation. -- And for another reason that secretly I was quite uncomfortable with having to do it. However, work came in knocking again and so I responded.
          The instruction was to simply remember all the significant highlights of my life, whether good or bad, leading me to who and where I am now. The instruction was to take note as far as I can remember. I have to rate whether these incidents are low points or high points of my life - connecting a line to each of these points. 

          It was hard to start from the day that I was born so I decided to simply back track. I started writing incidents one by one and saw how my life simply see-sawed from a definite high to an ultimate low. On some situations, I found it difficult to rate because the past along with its healing has allowed me to see the good and bad side of things. There were some that elated me and some that made my heart twitch as I tried to remember. 


As I did so, I realized these things that I keep in my heart 


1) Never conclude your future based on your present.
            Because only God knows its every detail and its very ending. I saw how persons came    
    into my life, how some stayed and how others left. I saw how responsibilities were given to
    me by God at the most painful times and how I was unexpectedly able to deliver with His     
    grace. I saw how I took many things for granted and how God brought me back to realizing      
    its own value. Blessings, gifts, or joyful situations in our life should never bring us to
    the complacency that they will be here forever. It should brings us to complete 
    gratitude and cherishing -- knowing that any moment God can take it away.  Painful 
    situations are not the end. These are simply the beginning of a happy ending about to occur. 
    There is so much that awaits for us if we only but look forward to the promises that the Lord    
    has made for us. We have a God of endless possibilities and His power always goes 
    beyond any moment that we are in. There is a plan and we simply have to follow it.


2) God will always be faithful.
               Situations of my life have been very painful because of people leaving. It was during 
    those times that I felt I couldn't survive. As I was trying to move on, I had the mentality 
    that I was learning to live again on my own --- when in fact, I was actually living my 
    life solely in God's arms. These desolate instances were God's secret ways of making me 
    strong and  anchored fully on Him. Happy moments were moments I celebrated with Him. 
    Painful moments were the times I cried myself to sleep in His arms. Fearful moments were   
    moments that I held His hand as I moved towards it. At any given moment of my life, He 
    was simply there, helping, guiding, and loving me. The Lord has never left me, despite my 
    sins, shortcomings, and weaknesses. His sincere faithfulness brings me to tears of joy and  
    comfort.


3) Dream and Live Fearlessly.
             I have this secret fear. -- I am completely paranoid that the past will simply repeat 
    itself. It takes so much trust and surrender to God to make my fears go away. This fear has    
    crippled me so much, hindering me to be my best, not wanting to take risks, making me 
    indecisive. I have a lot of fears -- too many that it has robbed me out of that great amazing 
    life that God has planned. Why not try being fearless and faithful this time? Why not take a 
    risk and allow God to guide you through it? Why not trust -- because He is the most 
    trustworthy person that anyone can ever have? However, it's not about being freewheeling, 
    carefree and lack of concern for anything. To be fearless is to live your life in FULL 
    TRUST and CONFIDENCE in the One that holds it. 


           My lifeline is still growing -- and I'd like to believe that my dreams are slowly within my reach, carefully blossoming into its fullness. God has a way of making everything work according to His plan and promise. Though I don't know what goes beyond this day or this hour, I know that I have a God that cares so much, wanting nothing but the best for me. -- and He is there waiting at the end of everything. 

There is More to Come

" i dream of a love that is patient. the kind that never runs out of forgivenss and understanding. 

i dream of a love that is kind. the kind where it can give you peace and joy and the same time. like smiling all day just because he says it makes me beautiful. 

I dream of a love that is not envious. the kind that is secure no matter what happens, the kind that lets me share the love that I have in me.

i dream of a love that is not proud or boastful, the kind that still loves me even when no one else is looking.

I dream of a love that is not rude or self seeking. the kind that knows how it is to give and take. the kind that knows that as he puts me before himself, i do the same as well. 

I dream of a love that does not go angry, and harbors resentment against past mistakes. the kind that forgives and forgets. the kind that knows i can commit mistakes and still give me a chance to correct them. 

I dream of a love that is always in the truth. the kind that is pure love. the kind that does not lead me to sin and away from God. the kind of love that always lives in the light and does not hide in lust and lies.

i dream of a love that believes all things, bears all things, and endures all things. the kind of love that never gives up. the kind that goes through stronger in the toughest of times. the kind that knows in the end there is always love to hold on to. the kind that holds on to the promise.

i dream of a love that never fails. the kind that is the solution to any problem. the kind that can be the source of comfort in times of weakness, security in times of loneliness, and assurance in times of hopelessness . 

and so i continue to dream, to looking forward, joyfully waiting with great expectations of what comes next for me. Ü "


a girl with a broken heart wrote this almost four years ago. for a moment she thought that things like these she had to dream of for it to be real -- until God opened her eyes to the people that surrounded her. She has seen a love like this existing -- the reality of it moves her to hope more. However this time, she does not only dream to receive it but also dream for the ability this kind of love as well. :) 


there is more to come for her -- of that she's sure off.  

Divine Peace

I admit. I have sporadic tendencies to be highly emotional -- and by "highly", I mean it swivels-180 right off the roof. No, I'd like to believe that I'm not bipolar or manic depressive or whatever psychological sickness fits my symptoms. There are just times that I can't help but feel.

And I don't like it. really. especially when we're talking about those "bad days". It gets to me every time. It usually happens when I'm alone, usually at night before I go to bed. Whether it roots from a bad day or a bad thought, it starts out really shallow until everything that's ever associated with that feeling (whether it be fear, insecurity, doubt, pains etc.) resurfaces. Before you know it, my eyes would be red-blotched and teary.

Have you ever felt that? when emotions get the best of you? when your thoughts plague you with unnecessary pain? It may be a case of  habitual pre-menstrual syndrome or moments of a wandering mind -- whatever it is -- these nights mostly leave me crushed. Most of these, I realized, came from the past -- unresolved issues, resonating painful memories, unanswered questions -- slowly haunting me from time to time.

I thank God for nights like these because it is in these helpless instances that I am simply moved to surrender and pray. I realized that when you cannot control your emotions, allow God control you. It is in this deep prayer moments that I am constantly reminded by the Lord of four things:

1)  Unwavering Trust
         The need for unwavering trust. Trust that He is God. Trust that He can do things beyond all possibilities. Trust that He is with me and for me. Trust that I am always safe and protected in His care. Trust that my prayers are heard despite His seeming silence.  Trust not only on easy times but MOST especially during the toughest of times. Trust when things seem unclear. Trust because God always goes beyond the moment and He will fulfill everything just as promised.

2) Determined Patience
       With unwavering trust, comes patience. Patience takes us through the most unsure situation of our lives. I needed to have the patience to wait for God's answered prayers. Patience in myself that I needed to take my time in learning things. Patience with other people's short comings. I realized that patience moves us into the right posture in dealing with another person and the situation where we are in -- and that is acceptance.

3) Sincere Acceptance
      I needed to learn to accept that things will not always go the way I want it and I do not live in my own world. I am affected by other people's actions and they are affected by mine. I needed to accept that things take time and things can fall short of our expectations. However, I also needed to accept that God is the one that controls, that He has ways of carrying out His plans for us and it might not be how we want it. I needed to accept His role as God in my life more than I trying to control things on my own. I realized that as I learn to trust, be patient, and accept -- comes the divine grace that we all need - peace.

4) Divine Peace
       I say divine because it is only God that can provide it excellently with all His Grace and Love. It is the kind of peace that doesn't simply appear in a state of calm, relaxation, or "good days". Divine peace goes directly into our hearts in unbelievable volumes despite the storms of our lives. It comes from a God whose kindness can never be questioned. Divine peace further reinforces our need to trust, be patient, and accept that God is being God to us. --and all that I am left to do is be a child to Him.

       Upon the constant reminder of these four things, my heart calms down and I am left with nothing but surrender. After all, God has never failed in trusting, being patient, and accepting me. These four spirit-filled gifts received in prayer calms my chaotic thoughts and confused heart, leaving me smiling and resting in His hands.  I know I'm still in the process of letting go and healing from my haunting past but life goes on and God keeps my future very promising. I long for that day the past will no longer be relevant compared to the future I have at hand, and the gifts I have in the present.

God Solutions

NOTE: was supposed to post this at the beginning of the year.. my laziness got the best of me that day

        At some point in our lives, we all yearn for a fresh start, a new beginning, some grand opportunity to have a clean slate. Whether it be from sheer boredom, past failures, lingering heartaches or growing anxieties, we all want that opportunity to have another shot in life, in order for us to live eagerly and passionately once again. Right now, this year is almost drawing to a close. We are once again provided with that pivotal moment, a chance to turn things around for the better.

                Our 365 days of laughter, joys, heartaches, discoveries, pains, anxieties, and passion all boil down to this very moment where things are summarized, and our lives’ theories are hopefully almost concluded. We are here at the dawn of another year in our lives, where the lingering question in our hearts goes to the sound of “God, what’s next?”.

         Along with this question, comes a lot of growing thoughts, goals, and “next time” statements – drawing us to the realization that New Years are God’s extravagant reminder that there is always room for infinite chances in life. More than just reminiscing the past highlights and downfalls of the year, He wants us to let go of what has been and grab the opportunity to what can be through living His plan.

This regular yet always most awaited event in our lives usually come with the most popular habit of making New Year’s resolutions. Some of us are wheeled into this famous habit because of the necessities that this holiday requires. Others have sincerely been wanting to have that chance to simply be better and achieve something. The rest have lost interest in putting effort to resolve aspects in their lives for fear of another expected failure.

For whatever purpose (or lack thereof) it may seem, I’d like to consider making New Year’s resolutions as something more than just what this year encompasses. Instead of creating statements that would cease to be forgotten after a months’ time, why not try making convictions that can be lived with the help of God’s grace. From New Year Resolutions, why not think of these as God’s solutions--- God’s personal solutions for us to live the fullness of our lives in Him.

           As you try to put your heart into matter, and God’s matter into your heart, think of these following points that will help you get back that excitement in your life, and courage to face anything that comes with it.

1)      Believe in your capacity to achieve these goals

                   Because we are created with the ability to achieve them. In making your God Solutions, keep in mind that though God ultimately loves us for who we are , He simply refuses for us to stay that way. Whether it be broken, bewildered, confused, or angry, He wants us to realize that there is more that He has in store of us, something which we never have explored simply because we have lacked the courage to. Do not be afraid to create your heart’s convictions even if it seems too farfetched from reality. With the Lord, there is nothing too bizarre and farfetched to be achieved. Do a “shoot-for-the-moon” goal and wait till it misses and lands on God’s Hands. Dream big because God will give us everything we need to experience happiness and love in Him.

2)      Expect its difficulty. Expect that it’s worth it.

Nothing great and grand can ever come too easy. Expect your God solutions to require divine intervention and God-given strength. Doing the Lord’s will, aiming for His kind of perfection, and seeking to experience pure happiness will never be a walk in the park. However, as we strive to do so, we begin to realize how doing God’s Will can give us so much happiness than we can ever imagine. Whether it be an urge to forgive and let go, or a request to give love to someone we’ve previously hated, God’s Solutions always brings us to the state of contentment and peace, knowing that what we have done is according to the Lord’s purpose and plan.

3)      Set your goals in Christ

Most of us toss our resolutions out the window, or get frustrated mid-way because life isn’t always as we expect them to be and our action steps didn’t go the way we planned them to. We get dismayed over problems in our families that never seem to be resolved. We get frustrated with how we look and how we have that urge to be noticed. We grow weary at the sight of grades that never seem to go higher despite our efforts. We are ready to give up achieving what we’ve initially wanted when the only goal that we should have and want in everything is to glorify Christ.  

More than just momentary goals or out-of-this-world dreams, what vitally matters to the Lord is the heart. Do we have God as our sincere purpose in our resolutions? Did we do our best in achieving them? Do we ask God for His grace and the Holy Spirit to help us along the way? What is our drive and motivation behind all these goals that we have set?

As we set our God solutions with Him, keep in mind that more than just success in this world, He wants success for us in Heaven. More than just owning possessions, He wants us to see Him as our only important possession in our lives. More than just giving love and service, He wants us to ultimately surrender to His Will. 

It’s a tough challenge to take. Upon realizing the deeper meaning of our everyday choices and goals, we are lead to that motivation to achieve our ultimate goal in heaven. So go ahead and pray. Write it down. Whether it may be your first or nth time, it doesn’t hurt to get a good head start on heeding God’s will in your life. Be a friend to your enemy. Stand up for your own convictions when others won’t. Reach out to every family member. Live simply for others. Be the best you can be.

And if however we falter along the way, never forget that God doesn’t simply give us new years. More than that, He gives us NEW DAYS. Each day is a momentous chance to start again. So cheer up whenever you feel that lingering frustration. Keep focused and do not grow weary. Pray and persevere. Hold on to the fact that though our God Solutions may not give us our rewards on earth, there is a gallery of awards waiting in heaven.